The more I think about it, the more I think I care very little about most things. I was asking God what exactly the point of this whole period of time on earth was - Frankly, I don't really have much of an answer. Grow, yes... but why? Glorify God, yes... but like He needs any more glory; I'm not sure what exactly we can add to His heavenly realm, which was established long before we came around, anyway. To provide Him with someone more to talk to is a lame a reason as any other; Son and Holy Spirit are plenty - and good - company enough, I think.

To be sure, we can't know all the ways of God, but to my limited understanding, really, we're a minor and unnecessary detail. That we were created can't be disputed or reversed; just that on this side of eternity, and on this side of my skin, I don't see the point. And that leaves me a tad disgruntled, a shade malcontented and a touch confused - not to mention aimless.

What makes it harder is that I find it hard enough to care in general, much less care about the things of God. It was with a bit of a shock when I realised this just this morning. Take people for examples. Ask around; you'll find no lack of people to tell you that I care deeply about the needs of my friends - that is, if you manage to find my friends in the first place. That itself is a telling point. A person that cares deeply about the people in his life leaves a trail of friends. That's not true for me. I've come to realised that I'm very much "out of sight, out of mind" - I care about someone as long as he/she is within social reach, but once out, I stop thinking about the person altogether. I have few friends outside my immediate social circle.

I find interest in many things, for about two weeks. Then it dies off and I drift on. This nomadic theme; this persistent lack of commitment to any one thing, whether person(s), thing(s) or interest(s) pervades almost all aspects of my life, and it disturbs me.

Now, why did I wander of in that direction? I'm not sure. But I suppose it has to do with the fact that it reflects my spiritual life so completely - I am committed, outwardly, but inwardly, I drift along like seaweed. My passion to know God personally waxes for a few days and wanes for months, my commitment to grow describes periodic spurts interspersed by long, languid strolls - like some kind of mutant puberty.

I thought about all this as I walked over to work, and asked God: Why? What's wrong with me? My actions say I love You, but why is inward evidence of it so lacking? Why is it so hard to care?

The sky's a long distance away, and it takes the prayer's echo a long while to come back. In those fading strains, I hear a snatch of wisdom: This is something only the Lord can change.

Sigh. So much for the asking. Why should this sort of change be something we need to wait for?

I drift the rest of the way to work.

Work's been a bit of a squeeze lately... not that I have a lot to do, just that I have a bit to do in very little time. I woke up wanted to take my time and relax; After all, I don't have class - it would be nice to arrive at work on time instead of an hour early as I usually do.

I wasn't really prepared for it when I was activated to cover a class, because a colleague was on MC. The usual pre-class jitters started, worse than usual because I don't know this class. I don't know. I've said before that it's total irony that in my job, the thing I look forward to the least is taking class.I mean, that's what I signed up for right?

I prayed all along the way just for peace and confidence to handle class today, but nothing doing - As jittery as ever and yeah.

Trusting God is a discipline long neglected in my life, but I guess the only thing I can hope for is that He can still accomplish what He intends with my crappy work. It doesn't make me feel any better about my work, but at least I know that I won't be able to screw up His plans.

Times like this, the questions strikes me again: What am I doing here, if the thing I want to avoid the most is the core responsibility of my job?

It's dumb because I tell them periodically that I need feedback, I need to know how I'm doing, but my request for my class to be observed (and frankly, I don't really want to be observed, but I really need that feedback) is happily ignored. Cuz I'm on the "low-priority list". That's a vote of confidence really, since low priority means they are reasonably confident of my abilities and that I can't possibly go too wrong, at least, relative to the staff on the high priority list. Problem is, their confidence in me is not the same as my confidence in me.

I wonder what really lies behind my jitters. Genuine lack of ability? Insecurity? Or just a mismatch between my capability, personality and my job requirements?